In simpler times, reality television consisted mainly of unsuspecting adults receiving painful blows to the groin and shirtless drunks getting maced by the police with some occasional post sporting event rioting. Modern reality television stars however, grew up as a generation of impressionable youth watching pretty, fashion conscious young adults compete for camera time by honing their skills in obnoxious whining. Now we’re living in post modern future, where graduate students compete with senior citizens for positions as Walmart greeters. Good reality television stars know they need more on their resume than just “semi-literate troglodyte with delusions of acting ability.” Snooki wrote a book, Heidi Montag is a musician and America is awash with talk shows and failed fashion lines from former stars. Economists even predict the reality television industry (RTV) will eclipse Democracy as America’s chief export sometime before the 2012 apocalypse.
And this guy will educate the world about 9/11 and the NWO
Since it’s easier to find fifteen minutes of fame failing on American Idol than a minimum wage job, I’ve decided to launch my own product line, based on a reality show that someone will offer me once they see what the RTV industry is missing. All of America knows today’s photo under the “do not take checks from” sign at the liquor store is tomorrow’s headshot. Since my headshot hangs in every major liquor store in the Chicago metro area, it’s only a matter of time before a producer from Fox connects one of my products with my grimace. Products such as:
A guide to an ordinary man’s night out: A lifetime of debt and poor decisions (like hiring my cat as a financial planner) makes extravagant evenings in the midwest’s hottest restaurants and clubs nearly impossible. But everyone loves a night out, even if it’s just panhandling at the bus station. Since panhandling should be a solo activity to avoid boxcutter fights over profit shares, my book will show the easiest ways to have find food and fun on the spare change from couch cushions. Tips include how to make malt liquor in a gas station sink and how to turn the lottery line at 7-11 into an all night rager. Bonus: Comes with a pullout map of Chicago’s finest dumpster eating options.
Foreclosed Fashions: Retro threads never go out of style, whether they’re leather chaps or your dad’s tattered flannel shirt collection. My new clothing line combines the best of yesterday’s fashions and today’s slightly damaged styles. Foreclosed Fashions is completely eco friendly, since digging through the Goodwill dumpster emits zero carbon into the atmosphere. In addition, my clothing line is completely sweatshop free, since congratulatory pats on the back count as a living wage for unemployed college graduates.
Yet to be titled workout videos: A pseudo celebrity needs to be in his or her peak physical condition. But let’s face it, the local gym is for sneaking in to shower last night’s shame off, and my personal trainer told me he’d call the cops if I came back after I declared 2011 “no pants new year.” My workout video collection however, will teach simple steps to a better body without the need for a full set of wigs and fake mustaches. Titles include – Cross country training: How to pick a fight that will keep you running for life. Better than Yoga: A step by step guide to a flexible body through home break ins. Monkey House Muscle: Which zoo animals to wrestle and which ones to let rest.
With products like these, aimed directly at the average Joe or Jane waiting in the unemployment line, I should have producers banging down my door to capture my fabulous life. I’ll be waiting, guys – and don’t forget – 2011 is no pants new year.
Coming this summer: There's only soup for one in Gordon Ramsey's "Bread Line"
“nice post “