Now that Republicans took the House from the Democrats, expect to hear about freedom’s march to Washington from now until 2012, when our Kenyan Commandant in Chief is outsted by an electorate wrapped in flags wearing tri corner hats. If Republicans are right, that the mid-term elections are indeed a “mandate” on the secret socialist “Obama agenda,” then their control of the House means they’re winning their fight to take back America. Surely then, we can extrapolate exactly what will happen in the coming months:
An extreme drop in unemployment: As Austin Scott knows, most people on unemployment are simply lazy leeches not willing to participate in our booming economy. They use their taxpayer funded handouts to buy drugs to keep them high, presumably with plenty of Cheetos. Thanks to his victory in Georgia, expect the rolls to surge dramatically downward, since the unemployed will have to report for mandatory drug tests.
Finally, a secure border: Now that Arizona is an even brighter shade of red and with Jan Brewer still safely at the helm, we can expect a harder push for more measures to keep illegal immigrants from stealing our jobs and loitering on the side our highways with fruit. Border towns will be fully sealed and secured, protected not only by a wall greater than Berlin’s, but fortifications the world hasn’t seen since the Maginot Line. Halliburton in fact, is already working on the blueprints. Expect a much tougher, American name, however.
No new taxes, or old ones, or any taxes: Americans know the reason why the economy tanked is because some foolish people put tax and spend Democrats in office. Thankfully, patriots like Glenn Beck uncovered the hidden 100 year progressive agenda to tax Real Working Americans and give their hard earned money to the lazy and drugged out poor. Not only will the Bush tax cuts be made permanent, but expect new tax cuts to help alleviate those who feel Taxed Enough Already. Anyone worrying about where funding for schools, libraries or roads will come from needn’t worry. Helpful corporations like Pepsi, Monsanto, Lockheed Martin and KFC are standing by to charge reasonable fees to pay for the use of privatized public institutions.
Better health care for all: Since John Boehner gave Nancy Pelosi and her socialist health care agenda the pink slip, we can expect Real Americans to begin receiving better health care once he obliterates Obamacare. Rumor has it Boehner and Republicans will push to give insurance companies more authority over patients seeking care and eliminate the middle man by allowing insurance companies to run hospitals. Once health is tied to market forces, the bubble will have no other option but to inflate.
A brand new war: It’s no surprise that John McCain retained his seat in the Senate. However, now that the GOP has taken back America, they’ll soon be itching for a chance to keep their finger on the button. Sure, some tougher sanctions might be imposed first to appease the grubby peaceniks who haven’t left their drum circle in the Senate, but I’m sure soon enough McCain will have plenty of voices to back up a renewed chant to bomb Iran.
Soon enough, tinfoil lined tri corner hats will be all the rage in fashion.